There are times, like tonight, when I just want to cry. I don’t cry thst much, but when I do, it’s almost unstoppable. It only stops when I feel tired.
Sometimes, there’s something that bothers me and badly need to let it out, to cry it out. Other times, I don’t know why, but I just really want my tears to fall so badly I actually cry frustrated. It’s ridiculous. Why would someone cry for no reason?
I just do it. Then, slowly, everything that has ever made me feel bad flashes im my head. From my childhood’s painful memories up to the struggle I face now as an adult. They come all at once. My heart literally hurts and I’m physically tired.
My eyes are sore and hot. I’ll look like my eyes got bitten by ants tomorrow for sure. Probably my friends will ask. And I’d say I just didn’t get enough sleep. What would I say. I don’t really understand why I have this episodes as I call them. I couldn’t predict when this strong feeling of wanting to break down will hit me.
Today, I just watched a cute, light hearted chick flick. I don’t normally cry because of them. They almost usually end with happy endings that’s why I enjoy them even if they’re predictable.
But suddenly, here I was searching for heart breaking videos in youtube. Then crying like a baby. Even if I didn’t watch videos anymore, I kept crying and can’t stop. I’d stop for a bit, then a few minutes later, tears would start falling.
I don’t really get why this happens to me. But one thing good this does to me is that I feel a certain relief though I really can’t quite describe it. It’s as if a thorn just got pulled out from my heart.
Maybe I was just stressed out from everything. A lot of things has happened for the the last couple months and not once did I ever give in to any of it. Maybe they were just building up inside me and now it came crumbling to the ground.
I needed to release the stress. I act tough all the time. My friends would think I’ve got my life figured out, but they don’t have any idea how messed up my mind is. It couldn’t get any more mixed up and confused right now. To a point that my body is the one ordering me to let it out by tearing up for no exact reason.
No one is always strong enough to face everything in this crazy ride of life. From time to time, we break down. We get up again and build ourselves but we can’t really know when we’ll fall apart again.
Just like tonight, I let myself get lost, uncontrolled and vulnerable. It’s one of the things most of us don’t want to show to anybody. Sometimes, not even to ourselves, if that even makes sense. We just want to believe that we got our shit together and that everything is really fine. It’s hard to admit that we can be weak.
But it’s harder to always pretend we’re strong.